The Hidden Face of Perfectionism
- Fabienne
- Sep 22
- 6 min read
Unmasking the Toxic Shame Behind the Drive to Be Flawless
Recently, I found myself face to face with shame again. It showed up as perfectionism, and as fear of being truly visible on social media. Beneath those struggles, I could feel the familiar weight of shame — that quiet voice that tells us we’re not enough or that it’s not safe to be seen.
Even as a healer, I return to this place sometimes. And I’ve learned that shame is one of the deepest, most complex human emotions we can meet. Working with it often takes us right into the heart of healing.
I want to share a few reflections here, in case you’re also moving through your own layers of shame right now. You’re not alone.
Shame: A Human Invention?
Shame requires self-consciousness and social evaluation. It is one of the most painful emotions we can feel (at least in my own personal experience, and here’s why:). Unlike guilt, which says “I did something wrong,” shame says, “I am wrong,” which can become highly destructive when left alone wreaking havoc in a person’s inner system. It reaches into identity and creates a deep sense that we are flawed, unworthy, or fundamentally unacceptable. And because shame is tied to how we imagine others see us, it often carries the urge to hide, collapse, or disappear.
In its healthy form, shame has a role. It alerts us when we’ve stepped outside of social bonds or our own values, and it helps us repair. But when shame becomes internalised — when it turns into a constant undertone of unworthiness — it becomes what we call toxic shame.
Toxic Shame is a Full-Body Experience
Toxic shame often begins early. When I look back, I can see how repeated experiences of criticism, perfectionistic pressure, or subtle neglect had taught me to turn blame inward. Believing “I must be bad” is a survival strategy: it preserves attachment to caregivers who are unsafe or unavailable, because facing the reality of their failure would be too overwhelming. What protects us as children, however, can keep us trapped as adults.
And then, toxic shame shows up as identity wounds:
“I am broken.” “I don’t deserve love.” “Something’s wrong with me.”
These beliefs rarely stay in the mind alone — they leak into how we live. For me, shame often disguises itself as perfectionism: the endless push to be flawless so that no one can confirm my deepest fear of being ‘not enough.’ Over time, I’ve learned that healing means meeting this part of me with compassion instead of pressure.
In others, toxic shame may take the form of hiding, self-sabotage, or desperate seeking of approval. And in the body, it often looks like collapse: downcast eyes, a tight chest, a hunched posture. Shame isn’t just a thought, it’s a full-body experience.
When shame is triggered, the nervous system reacts powerfully. Some people first feel the sympathetic “fight or flight” response — a racing heart, flushing, or a surge of heat — as the body prepares to protect itself. Often, however, shame can quickly shift us into a parasympathetic “freeze” or collapse response, governed by the vagus nerve. This can feel like numbness, shrinking inward, a desire to disappear, or the body curling up for safety. The throat may tighten, breathing becomes shallow, and movement slows. These are not imagined responses; they are physiological states, learned over time. Understanding this helps us see that shame isn’t proof of weakness, but a nervous system pattern shaped by experience.
Repeated experiences of shame can also influence attachment patterns. Many people develop an avoidant attachment style, distancing from intimacy, downplaying needs, and keeping others at a safe emotional distance to prevent rejection. In other cases, shame can underlie disorganized attachment, creating a push–pull dynamic: longing for closeness but fearing it at the same time. Some may even experience anxious attachment patterns, where the nervous system oscillates between hyper-alertness and collapse. The common thread is that shame makes safe connection feel risky, and the nervous system adapts to guard against vulnerability.
You might gently reflect on your own patterns here: Do you notice yourself withdrawing, minimizing your needs, or struggling to trust closeness? Becoming aware of these tendencies is often the first step toward softening them and opening to safer, more nourishing connection.
This is the heart of what I guide my clients through in Root Cause Therapy, combining relational repair with body-based release. Healing shame requires more than just insight, it asks us to work with both the mind and the nervous system.
Shame heals in safe connection. When we reveal what we’ve hidden and it’s met with empathy, shame loosens. And when we learn to see shame as a protective mechanism, not a truth, this opens space to offer the inner child a new experience of safety and worthiness.
As we pet guardians and animal lovers begin to understand how shame lives in both mind and body, and how healing requires safe connection and release, it’s natural to wonder: do animals go through something similar? Many people ask if their animal companions also feel shame. Exploring this question can open another doorway into how we see both our own healing and the wisdom animals bring.
Do Animals Carry Shame?
This is a question I am often asked. When a dog looks “ashamed” after knocking something over, are they really feeling shame? The answer is: not in the human sense.
Shame requires a reflective sense of self and the ability to think, “Others see me as bad, therefore I am bad.” Animals don’t seem to carry this capacity for toxic self-evaluation. What we may interpret as shame in dogs (ears back, body low, eyes turned away) is actually appeasement behavior, meant to de-escalate conflict and restore harmony. Horses and other herd animals also display social stress and fear of exclusion, but they don’t internalize it as identity. They feel it, express it, release it, and return to presence.
This is a profound difference: humans can get stuck in shame as an ongoing story of self, while animals move through social stress without attaching it to who they are.
Animals as Guides in Healing Shame
And this is why animals are such powerful mirrors and healers for us. They don’t meet us as “flawed” or “unworthy.” They meet us in the now. With presence, energy, and authenticity. To them, we are not broken. We simply are.
For someone carrying toxic shame, this can be life changing. Sitting beside a dog, horse, cat, or rabbit who offers unconditional presence, we are reminded of what it feels like to be seen without judgment. Animals help us reconnect to a way of being that existed before shame took root: a state of belonging, connection, and simplicity.
Supporting the Healing Journey
While the presence of animals can be profoundly healing, I’ve also found gentle tools that help support this process. In my own moments of working through shame, I often turn to gentle allies: Pine, a Bach Flower remedy that gently helps release guilt, or to Natrum muriaticum, a homeopathic remedy that supports those who tend to withdraw. I also keep Rhodonite nearby, a heart-healing crystal that reminds me to forgive myself and soften into worthiness.These tools aren’t a replacement for the deeper work of a Root Cause Therapy or Tandem Healing session with a beloved animal, but they can be small beacons along the way, especially when shame feels heavy.
Closing
If you are moving through shame right now, please know, shame is not proof of brokenness. It is proof of survival. At some point in your story, turning blame inward felt safer than facing unbearable truths. That was wisdom. But now, you don’t have to keep carrying it. Healing is possible.
And sometimes, an animal by your side can remind you of that truth even more clearly than words ever could.
With warmth and possibility,
Fabienne 🩷
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