When Love Feels Unsafe
- Fabienne
- Oct 5
- 6 min read
Relearning how to receive
Love is something we’re all wired for — yet for many, it’s also what once hurt the most. This piece explores how the body turns protection into self-sabotage, and how we can find our way back to love that feels safe to receive.
On our screen, her dog lay curled up beside her. A golden bundle of calm and steady presence. She reached down to stroke him, fingers disappearing into soft fur, her voice trembling somewhere between longing and defeat.
It was her third session, and we had already uncoupled and unstuck a lot of looping emotions during our healing time together.
Sammie, like many clients’ dogs, always stayed close — sometimes peacefully sleeping (and sometimes snoring loudly), sometimes pacing, stretching, and yawning to process emotions alongside his favourite human.
I am sharing this with her permission (and Sammie’s consent):
“He loves me so much,” she said. “He follows me everywhere. But sometimes… I can’t stand it. It’s too much. I turn away, and then I feel guilty. What kind of person can’t handle being loved?”
Her question hung between us, tender and raw. I’ve heard it before, from many souls whose bodies carry the memory of love as something unsafe.
Because when someone was emotionally abused, neglected, or loved only under certain conditions in early childhood, love becomes wired to danger. The nervous system learns:
Love = pain, invasion, disappointment, control, or loss.
So when genuine, healthy love appears later in life, whether from a person, an animal, or even from within ourselves, the body may instinctively reject it. It’s not resistance or stubbornness; it’s self-protection learned in the body.
The system is simply trying to keep us safe in the only way it knows how.
And while the mind might say, I want love, I’m ready for love, the body whispers, We’ve been here before, and it hurt.
That’s where the real healing begins. Not in trying to force openness, but in gently teaching the body that it’s finally safe to receive what it once had to guard against.
The Underlying Dynamics
When love has been intertwined with pain, the body doesn’t easily untangle the two. What looks like self-sabotage or distance is often an intelligent system trying to stay safe.
As we spoke, I could see how even Sammie’s affection touched an old wound. The patterns that once protected her (shutting down, overanalyzing, pulling away) now replayed in moments of closeness, even with those who meant well.
Beneath it all isn’t a lack of love, but a confusion between love and danger, safety and loss.
Here’s my best attempt at putting words to what’s often happening beneath the surface:
Attachment confusion.The same person who gave care also caused harm, creating ambivalence: “I long for closeness but fear it.”
Protective parts. Inner parts (often a vigilant protector) block love, and sometimes receiving in general, to prevent re-injury.
Body memory. Love sensations (like warmth, softness, expansion) can trigger the same physiological state that once preceded pain.
Self-concept.The belief “I am unlovable / too much / not enough” keeps the system in a loop of rejecting what it most needs.
How Healing Begins
Healing rarely begins with a breakthrough moment. It often starts quietly, in the smallest flicker of safety returning to the body. Before the mind can understand, something deeper begins to trust that it might be okay to soften.
For many, this first spark of healing comes through connection like a the steady presence of someone or something that feels safe, attuned, and without demand. A person who listens without fixing. An animal who rests nearby without needing anything from us. Or an inner knowing that whispers, maybe it’s safe to open a little now.
From there, the path of healing love wounds isn’t about trying harder to receive or forcing openness where it doesn’t yet exist. It’s about gently teaching the body that love can arrive without pain. And that warmth and connection no longer signal danger.
It unfolds slowly, through moments of co-regulation, awareness, and compassion. Through small experiences that show the nervous system, again and again, that safety and love can coexist. Over time, the body learns to recognize the difference between protection and presence, between control and care.
Here’s how that process begins to take shape:
Normalise and reframe. Gently name the pattern as protection, not brokenness.“Your body learned that love wasn’t safe, it’s trying to protect you. That means your system is working, even if it feels confusing.” This simple reframe opens the door to self-compassion and begins to unpair “love” from “shame.”
Work with safety, not love, first. Before diving into “receiving love,” help the nervous system build capacity to feel safe while being seen. Track what happens in the body when warmth or attention arises. Pause when expansion turns to contraction --> that’s the edge. Ground, orient, or use gentle energy work to settle before continuing.
Somatic repair through relational experience. Healing happens in relationship (that feels steady, non-intrusive and attuned). Through co-regulation, the body learns: Connection can exist without control or hurt. Notice micro-moments of receiving: eye contact, breath, gentle affirmation — and feel that you survive it.
Work with the protector part. Turn toward the part that guards against closeness and ask:“What are you afraid would happen if I let love in?” This often uncovers old memories or beliefs like Love means losing myself, or Love means being used. Meeting this part with curiosity and care helps release the emotional charge it carries.
Inner child reintegration. Reconnect with the younger self who still waits for the “right” love. Through visualisation or ritual, become the steady, loving presence that child needed. Herbal allies like rose (heart-opening, gentle), hawthorn (protective softness), and motherwort (nurturing boundaries) can support this process energetically.
Introduce love through the animal realm. Animals offer unconditional, wordless love that bypasses the mind’s defences. Notice how the body responds to affection from an animal and how it differs from human love. This can become a bridge toward receiving love safely and fully.
A daily energetic ritual. A simple affirmation of meeting love where it is:
“I allow love to meet me in the way that feels safe today.” This honours both protection and permission, allowing love to enter gently, without forcing the door open.
Returning to Safety
Healing the places where love once hurt isn’t about learning to tolerate more. It’s about feeling safe enough to stay present with love as it is.
As the body begins to trust that connection no longer equals danger, something shifts. The breath deepens. The heart steadies. Love starts to feel less like a test to survive and more like a homecoming.
On the screen that day, the daylight dimmed as we approached the end of our session. Sammie lifted his head and rested it gently on her knee. She smiled through tears, her hand finding its way to his fur. This time, she didn’t turn away. She stayed — breathing, softening, allowing herself to feel the weight of love without shrinking from it.
Animals have a way of teaching what words cannot. They mirror what’s unspoken, hold what’s too tender to touch, and remind us that love was never meant to be earned — only remembered.
This is how healing happens: not in grand gestures, but in these quiet moments when the body decides, it’s safe now. When love can be felt, received, and trusted again.
This is the heart of the work I hold: helping humans and their animals find safety, together.
With warmth and possibility,
Fabienne 🩷
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